Monday, 25 February 2013

The Problems of Being An Unmarried Muslimah - Still !

Bismillah Ar Rahman Ar Raheem
Assalaamu alaikum wa rahmathullah wa barakatuhu
It seems an age since I last wrote a blog  -  in fact it is a little over a month  -  and I have missed both writing and reading blogs.  The reason?  I have been in Cairo, helping my brother-in-law with his house and family while my elder sister was in hospital.  Alhamdulillah she is now back home and 95% fit while I have headed south and am spending the last of winter in the house that Amina and I share outside Asyut.

It was only when I got back here that it occurred to me that I am, at a ridiculously young age, filling the role of an old widowed or spinster aunt who is called upon to help whenever their is a family crisis.  Of course I have to admit that I am one of my sister's childrens' aunts but, still very much in my 20s, I am much nearer the kid's age than I am that of my brother-in-law while my sister ('half sister' to be pedantic) is getting on for 15 years old than me.  

All of which has made me focus on the fact that I am unmarried and childless, failings for a grown-up muslimah.   Neither states were initially my fault, for Allah (subhana wa ta'ala) chose to call to Him my husband (may he find the tranquility of Jannah) after only a little over two years of married life and before we could have children.  But as the days. months and now years slip past and I remain a widow, still under the age of 30, I am beginning to feel more and more than I am ducking out of remarrying for selfish reasons.

I have written several times in this blog about being young, unmarried and an adult muslimah.  It can be hard as there are always pressures from relatives and friends that range from a friendly enquiry  -  "Anyone on the horizon?"  -   through to plain spoken advice  -  "You MUST remarry.  If you don't find another husband soon, you'll be left on your own.  Forever!"  This is especially the case when I emerge from my bolthole here in Asyut and go north to Cairo where live many of my relatives and friends.

So I came back here feeling battered and bruised by all the pressure and, worse still, feeling I was not doing my duty as a muslimah.  Luckily for me, I have two great friends who have stood by my side.  One you know  -  Amina, my closest friend with whom I share this house.  The other, who I'll call Noor although that's not her name, is my age, unmarried and has been fighting off pressure from her family to marry a man who she really does not like.  

It was Noor who, after I had phoned her and let off steam about the marriage pressure I had to deal with in Cairo, sent me a couple of little pieces which put things in perspective, one an article, the second a duaa/poem.   They are excellent, to the degree that I am printing them here unedited.

Here is the first piece.

You are Single, Not Dead

Being single does not mean that you are weak, it's mean you are strong enough to wait for what you really deserve. If you are happy and confident, you are more likely to attract the right person into your life in the first place. And most importantly when Allah (swt) knows you’re ready for the responsibility of commitment, He will reveal the right person under the right circumstances. You are not going to displease Allah (swt) if you’re single (by Qadar).
But you may displease Allah(swt) by your lack of thankfulness and weakness in your reliance (tawakul) in Him and giving up on life altogether. Wait patiently and be optimistic.

Some people are single but they are mentally committed to someone. That’s not very healthy for your faith.
It’s all up to Allah (swt), The All-Wise, The Master who knows the secrets of your hearts even if you don’t mention them, The One who knows his weaknesses and your weaknesses and how this combination would destroy your and his life, He wouldn't let us suffer like that. You need to be patient and have faith that He will provide for you. He will give you better. He will make you happy again. He will do that because He is so Merciful. You need to trust Him.

Single? Well I don't even care about my status cause I know Allah(swt)
is saving me for someone special.  You need to put your faith in the One who created you. Don’t waste your time searching and wishing. One day someone's gonna walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else! Grow, be patient and be ready, you’ll see Allah(swt) will give you a love story far better than you could ever dream of.

Single and upset?
You might be not married to any man, like Maryam [Mary] (Allah Be Pleased With Her) and Allah(swt) can make your rank higher than any women on the Earth. Know your priorities. Love and trust is with Allah(swt) first.
Yes it is fact that there are many advantages to being in a relationship or marriage, but do not worry or fret if you are still single. Not everything is within our control and sometimes we do have to accept fate. So, why worry unnecessarily over something that we do not have control over?
Do not let being single thought traped you, make you a slave to the idea of finding someone, deprive you of your ability to enjoy life and cause desperation, depression, and fear. Don’t forget that your life does not end if certain things don’t come your way. Did Allah(swt) say anywhere in the Quran and Sunnah that you are worthless if you don’t get married? Being single is not a death sentence, it has own charm you enjoy life in your own way, you get more time to be with yourself, to do a variety of things, indeed you have relationship with freedom. You have lots to do, you have yourself, your friends, your family, and you have Allah(swt). Get out of your mental cage, make your life’s vehicle move on.

You are still single because it’s all up to Allah (swt), our future partners have or have not been already determined 50,000 years ago before this world existed. It’s because of His wisdom that you’re still single. So don’t think you care for yourself more than Allah(swt) cares for you!   Appreciate His wisdom.
Don’t worry too much, to have a positive attitude and enjoy your single life. Whether you are in a relationship or not, you want to be happy. If you aren't happy single, then you won't be happy taken. Happiness comes from within not from anybody else. Research shows that the number one ingredient for happiness, by far, is optimism, so change your approach learn to have more fun be happy and enjoy your life either your are single or not.

 Here is the second piece which is both a poem and a duaa:

A woman's du'a for her future husband

O Allah! Please grant me the one
Who will be the garment for my soul
Who will satisfy half of my deen
And in doing so make me whole
Make him righteous and on your path
In all he'll do and say
And sprinkle water on me at Fajr
Reminding me to pray

May he earn from halal sources
And spend within his means
May he seek Allah's guidance always
To fulfill all his dreams

May he always refer to Qur'an
and the Sunnah as his moral guide
May he thank and appreciate Allah
For the woman at his side

May he be conscious of his anger
And often fast and pray
Be charitable and sensitive
In every possible way

May he honor and protect me
And guide me in this life
And please Allah! Make me worthy
to be his loving wife

And finally, O Allah!
Make him abundant in love and laughter
In taqwa and sincerity
In striving for the hereafter!

May Allah grant all the Muslim sisters with such husbands... Ameen ya rab! :) ♥

  I Love the duaa/poem and I have learned it by heart almost as soon as I first read it.  It does sum up my feelings and selfish wishes.  Whereas the earlier article helps me live day to day thanks to its rational approach and advice.  It does ease the feeling of guilt I carry round with me for not being married.

But I am still afraid that I will always judge any future suitor by the standards I feel were set by my late husband Ahmed (may he find peace in Jannah).  I really don't envy any brother who seeks to marry me as he will have to live with Ahmed's shadow always in the background.  And that WILL be hard for him.    


  1. Asalam waliykum sister,

    Finally found your blog, mashallah what an amazing blog it is. Thank you for sharing your feelings with us all.
    I would like to add that the Prophet SAW wife Aisha RA was 18 when Muhammed SAW passed away and she remained unmarried and childless until she passed away.

    If you are happy with your situation, then do not allow people to pressure you. Allah knows when the time is right and is the best of planners. It is good mashallah that you are leaving things to Allah how we should do.

    Sounds like your Husband (Allah Rahmou) was a wonderful man mashallah. Of course you will not find anyone like him... no two people are the same. And The amazing qualities he possessed you may not find them all in another man. However, there will be a brother who will possess other great qualities that you will love too. Someone, with a different outlook on life, someone with a different way.

    It takes time to deal with this... and you need to accept other people and their qualities inshallah.
    Inshallah khier sister

    wasalam -x-

  2. Bismillah Ar Rahman Ar Raheem
    Assalaamu alaikum wa rahmathullah wa barakatuhu

    Walaikum salaam, dearest ukti. Jazakhallah khairun for your comments. It was wonderful to read them and I have found comfort in your words.

    I am, in fact taking your advice and standing back, doing what I should have done originally - leaving it in the hands of Allah (subhana wa ta'ala) and being ready to accept His guidance. Yes, there is a brother out there and I am sure that our paths will cross in time insha'Allah.

    One thing I have done since writing this blog is to alter my attitude and not to look for a clone of my husband (may he rest in Jannah). As you say, the brother who may well be ideal could be someone with totally different characteristics and outlook to Ahmed.

    Again my thanks for your sweet and very intelligent response to this blog.

  3. Jazak Allah Khair for the courage to share your thoughts sister Aliyah. I make dua that Allah swt make it easier for you.